Water water everywhere and not a drop I trust...

First of all I do apologize for my leave of absence, but I was working on self development courses and trying to figure our what I want to do with my life. 33 is the new 18 after all right?


Something I have yet to fully share with my privileged First World readers is our water situation. If you've never travelled to a less than first world country, you've probably not seen how the rest of the earth drinks water. It's quite sad actually when you think about a blue planet that is predominantly made up of water and yet millions of people are drinking disease/bacteria infested water.
This website said it best - Over 70% of our Earth's surface is covered by water ( we should really call our planet "Ocean" instead of "Earth"). It's not just a poor country thing - it's a new versus old country thing. I still remember noting while traveling in Europe the lack of drinking fountains. I will also never forget the look of terror on a barista's face in Berlin when I asked for tap water for my camel back bladder. In fact, even the East Coast of the U.S. seems to have slim pickings for tap water people trust. But, all of these locations had an abundance of options for affordable bottled water.
 
You will never realize how much water you use on a daily basis until it is restricted and segregated by type.

To give a frame of reference, here are the water categories:

• Potable water - safe to consume. Most of ours comes in the form of a water bottle.

• Non-Potable water - safe to shave or shower with but not to drink. 

• Black water - what comes out of the toilets. I'm guessing you saw that definition coming.

Our water choices and consumption begin as soon as we start our day. Due to the limited water on hand, showers are limited to 5 minutes. Time your next shower and you'll realize you probably spend 10-15 minutes letting the hot spray wake you up and get you ready for the day. 5 minutes is just enough time to remember what you're missing from home. That and the water pressure is similar to a soaker hose and you spend most of your time in a vertical fetal position out of fear that touching any surface of the true "water closet" with your skin will result in contracting some disease that will one day bear your name. I have aspirations in life - having a disease named after me is not one of them.

I've touched on it before, but brushing teeth is a choice. Use the non-potable water out of the sink, or remember to bring a water bottle in with you. I've taken my chances on this so far and haven't gotten sick, but I don't swallow my toothpaste phlegm so I think I'm doing alright there.


Shaving can be a challenge as well. Depending on the day and time of day, the water pressure and temperature can be good or very bad. For those who know me, you know I grow facial hair like, well, the Teen Wolf. This means a daily task that *is* required can be arduous and at times a bit bloody. I've found it's worth "shopping" around for the best pressure/temperature combo option before settling down for my daily shave.



Another taken-for-granted daily use of water is doing dishes. They feed us "food" here, but several of us like to cook from time to time to spice up our food. We have an electric wok, rice cooker and electric hot place - not to mention a very large selection of spices and seasonings. This may help us create better meals, but with those meals come dishes. What we do seems like a weird combination between camping and post-apocalyptic dish washing technique. We heat the water from several water bottles in an electric water heater (which can't be used at the same time as the microwave or we blow the incredibly sensitive circuit breaker). Next, we use the wok or large bowl as a sink with soap and hot water. We then go outside near our bunker and proceed to lather up all the dishes and rinse them with more bottles of water. It's a far-cry from the GE dish washers hooked up to the wall back home.

This will probably be my last blog until I get home and have time to reflect on this adventure. I hope this hasn't come off as too complainy but more sarcastic and my way of sharing our day-to-day lives and that it has been a way for people back home to peer into our world over here.

I now leave you with this brilliant video on making drinkable water from stymie filth.

"Inside" Joke

My last email response... for now. 

Then it will be back you your regularly scheduled programming.

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2013 3:52 PM
To: 'Bungit'
Subject: RE: (U) Bungit January Newsletter 2013

UNCLASSIFIED

I am very intrigued by your classified ads but confused why you would send classified information over a non-secure network. Please send all future classified ads to my classified email address. I'd send it to you but it's classified and secret.

As for your offer, I see that you will sell anything other than property. Where do you stand on internal organs such as a kidney? Is this considered physical property of the body, or would you categorize it as organic material? I only ask because I think I found a kidney inside my roommate and upon further removal and investigation discovered it to be his heart so I probably should have been more forthright and asked whether I could sell a heart. Either way, he won't be needing it anymore and I'm pretty sure it is worth a fair amount if sold quickly. Each day that goes by it seems less healthy and more smelly. I probably should have put it on ice, but they seem to have lost that recipe over here.

What form of payment can I expect from transactions on Bungit? My preference would be Kenyan Shillings in brief cases delivered one at a time by a man in a black trench coat who uses the code name Nancy Pelosi. I would like to meet this individual at the Wolf River State Fishery Area on the 14th of July and every 9 days thereafter.

Thank you

-----Original Message-----
From: Bungit [mailto:info@bungit.eu]
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2013 2:53 PM
To: Bagram Media Center
Subject: Bungit January Newsletter 2013

Bungit Classifieds where everything is free.

DEAR BagramMediaCenter,


You are receiving this newsletter to tell you that there is a new Classified Ads web site online. On Bungit, you can sell anything but property. Classified Ads, Business ads and Holiday rentals are all FREE. Yes that's right you can advertise your business for absolutely nothing. There is also a Holiday Rentals section which is also free to post your ad.

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Tell customers in France or Spain about you unwanted items in this newsletter.

Have a Nice Holiday

Jimmy Jokers

They just won't send me my requested items. So I'll just keep asking...

Email #3 - dated 23 January, 2013

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2013 2:47 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U//FOUO) Jimmy Joker Plus'ta cift kisilik serpme kahvalti 26 TL / 'Hayyam' oyununa giris 12,5 TL

UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY

Dearest Grupanya,

You have truly peaked my interest with your latest offer of Jimmy Jokers. I've inquired before for other items in your inventory with no response. Please add 83 Jimmy Jokers to my previous orders so I may Joke my Jimmy. I am now willing to part with 407 recycled 3-D glasses that I found in a dumpster outside a movie theater in Kearney Nebraska. I had 409 but I combined two of them to give myself 6-D vision. It's amazing how much fuller and richer life is in 6-D. This one time, I saw a rainbow three hours before it appeared. At that point I saw it twice and had a double rainbow. This became the life event of my existence. Before this I thought having children or curing cancer would be my life's greatest work, but I now know 6-D is what I was put on this earth to do.

When you ship the Jimmy Jokers, please remember my cardboard allergy and send them in plastic wrap. DO NOT however, use the plastic wrap that has all that static-electricity and sticks to everything. That is one of the most annoying things ever. It's almost as annoying as getting splash back out of a urinal off those enormous Certs mints they put in there to make it smell like minty pee rather than just pee.

So in conclusion, I would like to trade 407 recycled, near-mint condition 3-D glasses for 83 of your Jimmy Jokers wrapped in non-sticky/annoying plastic wrapping.

Thank you

Scram Spam part deux

I never heard back from Grupanya regarding my order. They did however, continue sending out sweet deals that were too good to pass up. 

So I wrote them again.

Email #2 - dated 15 November, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 2:21 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Cc: Rutherford, Eric A. SSG 115th MPAD Journalist; Bonebrake, Christopher C. SGT 115th MPAD Journalist; Wilcox, Kristopher M. CPT 115th MPAD MSC OIC; Miller, James A. MAJ 115th MPAD CDR
Subject: RE: (U) SONY Playstation 3 Slim 500 GB Ultra Slim 799 TL/Online Fotograf Baskisi 13 TL/Fakir Dikey Elektrik Supurgesi 102 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so very much for sending this great opportunity to buy electronic equipment.

I still haven't heard back regarding my previous email and order:

---
"Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!"
---

In addition to resolution to the previous order, I would like to make a new request. I would simply adore to have 68 of your Play Station 3 Slims! I'm working on building a basketball court and these will help me finish the floor. In addition to the previously promised Thesauruses, I recently came into possession of three sticks of double mint gum. I would be willing to part with one, which is like two since it is *double* mint, to pay for the requested Play Station 3 Slims. I would request to sweeten the deal though by sending some doll hair, but only if it's made from real hair since in addition to my cardboard allergy, I am also allergic to items that try to replicate the real thing. Take banana runts - not a real banana even though it tries really hard to be a Lego size real banana. When I come into contact with these type of items the only cure is to wear my pants backward and sing "Jump" by Criss Cross. Please do not make me go through this again.

I look forward to your delivery of my requested items!

Scram Spam!

After a leave of absence... here we go again.

We, much like many businesses, get a fair share of spam email. Most of it is soliciting our business with a contract company - a decision far above my pay grade.

There is also a company called Grupanya, which is Istanbul, Turkey's response to Amazon.com. After many emails, I decided to respond.

Email #1 - dated 14 October, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2012 6:51 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U) Dark Android Tablet PC 179 TL/Osmanli Turk Kahvesi Seti 29.9 TL/Braun epilasyon cihazi 105 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!

Taste of home

Many people keep reaching out and asking what they can send me over here. Honestly, there are few things I need and hate the idea of people spending money on me, but I also know from personal experience that it's also nice sending stuff when I'm not the one deployed. There are also things that, while I don't *need* them, make being away from home more bearable.

So to consolidate a list and provide an address I thought I'd put it all right here for all to see.

First the address:
Kevin Hartman
CJTF-1 PAO / 115 MPAD
TF Defender
APO AE 09354

Best way to send and save is through flat rate boxes from the US Postal Service.


Now the goodies:

#1 - COFFEE!!! (can you tell I had some today?)
This can be tricky. Beggars can't be choosers but we do come from the Northwest and appreciate good coffee. Again, I don't want to dig into charitable pockets, but I thought I'd specify some types of coffee we like.

First there's Stumptown: Hair Bender - the champion of delicious coffee.

Then there's Peet's Coffee, especially the Major Dickason's Blend.

We also enjoy Seattle Mountain Coffee - found at your corner Costco.

And for a limited holiday season, Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice coffee is a hot commodity around here.

#2 - Half & Half for my COFFEE!!!
I like to cut my coffee, but the only creamer they have here is flavored, and being that I love the taste of coffee I like non-flavoured creamer.

Here is what people have been sending that I like. There are many brands, but the Land-O-Lakes Mini Moo's have been the staple so far.












#3 - Rice - The San Francisco errr Afghanistan Treat
We make a lot of asian style dishes - to include Sushi Combat Rolls - to improve the food we have here.

Yes... that's right, I said Sushi Combat Rolls.

We have a rice cooker and just need more rice - specifically jasmine rice.













#4 - Sassy Sauces
Again, we love asian dishes and these sauces help make the dish.

Sweet chilli sauce is pretty much the awesomest thing on earth. We love this Mae Ploy type, but again, if there's a different one we won't complain.

Peanut sauce would also be fantastic. I don't really have a specific type but still looked up a link to one nonetheless.







#5 - Coconut Milk
This helps with our curry meals and again, just helps the food over here become more palatable.

It really doesn't matter what brand or type, we just want more of this glorious treat!













#6 - Healthy treats
We have entirely too much candy and sweets over here. I realize they last longer and are cheaper and easier to buy, but my dentist is not going to appreciate it.

Any snacks such as nuts, jerky, or crackers would be fantabulous (you read that correctly - fantabulous).









That's about it.
I'll possibly update this post if anything comes up or if we're getting too much of one thing or another.

Thank you VERY much in advance if you choose to send something our way.

Flashback to flims of my childhood...

We watch a lot of bad movies over here. One of my coworkers commented on our selection of films and said it read like the playlist on TBS. It's all the bad sequels and not the original good versions. That said, what better time to waste on movies I'd never watch otherwise than while I'm stranded in a desert watching the sand and rocks grow? What better first world problem could I have over here?

The other day, I was able to watch a cheesy but great flick from my childhood - The Last Starfighter.

It dawned on me while watching this... they just don't make them like they used to. Sure, the special effects are leaps and bounds advanced, but that innocent yet clever plot is gone.

I sometimes wonder if it's that we're out-thinking movies because many of us understand our universe more so there lacks that mystery. Another problem I believe is with all the flashy cool special effects producers and directors are taking short cuts - ehem... George Lucus & James Cameron.

Just compare the original Star Wars: A New Hope to any of the latest ones. They replaced emotion and creativity with Jar Jar Binks and midichlorians. Now we're being assaulted with mostly terrible movies that try to sell themselves on the latest reinvented technology - 3D. No matter how many Ds you throw at unobtainium... it's still obtainably dumb.

Ranting aside, my latest viewing of  The Last Starfighter gave me a renewed taste for the Sci-Fi of my youth. For kicks, I looked a bunch of them up and thought I'd share. Now, I didn't pick the obvious ones like E.T.

What's your favorite Sci-Fi flick from your childhood and which of these can you remember?

Hanging my chad

Well, it's official. I have cast my vote for our next president along with the many random political offices and amendments we had to search through this year. From private casinos and legal weed to deciding the county vs. city fate of random plots of land, it was a daunting task just to read through all the material and research topics online since I don't always believe the little pamphlets are informative enough to know all the ins and outs of an issue.

I'm not going to use this blog to voice my stance or debate politics, but I did want to highlight how easy it was to vote as a Soldier deployed halfway across the globe. I logged onto a website, filled out some data and whamo - my ballot arrived in just over a week. It was so easy I have to say I am disheartened to know anyone didn't take part. But I also realize that while the process was easy, the decision of who should take/maintain the helm is not always easy.

What is really amazing to think about is the decision I just took part in and where I am. Afghanistan may be the "forgotten war," but I know whoever is our president this next four years will need to focus on how we can successfully transition out. I know there are a *very* different views on America's involvement here, but just like Iraq, we're here now so let's not make rash decisions and leave this country worse than we found it. It's also fascinating to think about our election process and how heated we get, when voting is such a privilege many of us forget or take for granted. When I see countries like Afghanistan and the inconsistency of voting rights as well as some of the fear tactics of the Taliban to discourage free elections, I am truly humbled.

I may not agree with our political two-party system nor feel truly represented, but I will always do my part to ensure my voice is heard.
After all, if I am willing to defend the constitution and our country, I should exercise my voting right... right?
So whether you're a trunk or an ass... may the best man win.

Push-Sit-Run

When you're deployed, you need just about anything to keep you focused and tracking toward heading home. It's usually best if it's something non-work related so you can track your progress without it being directly tied to what could be a mundane cyclical job.

Me running the Hood to Coast from Iraq - 2007

For me, there are three things that get me through this deployment. I call them the 3 "Fs" - Faith, Family, & Fitness. While that probably deserves it's own post - another time - I thought I'd share some of my goals and accomplishments for the Fitness section (hence the title).

My overall goal this year is to max out my physical fitness test for the Army. The Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT) consists of three events; pushups, sit-ups and a 2-mile run. All events are timed and scores are based off a person's age group.

For an idea of what I have to do here are some charts and descriptions brought to you by Kevipedia (and google...).

For a shorter blog, I'll just hit the running section.

At 21 and upon my graduation from my initial Army training, I was running 2 miles in 12 minutes and 45 seconds. This time may be a stretch for me at this juncture in life... but I do hope to meet a goal I had last deployment - 5 in 35. That's 5 miles in 35 minutes. This may be a lofty goal considering I'm at 5,000 feet elevation, breath poopy air and wear super sexy Army shorts.

When I got here, I could barely run 1/2 a mile at an 8 minute pace. I just couldn't get the air in the old wind bags. As of today, I ran 4 miles in 30:20. With a mid-tour goal of 5 miles in 40 minutes, I think I'm on track.

This may seem like a boring post after a lull, but I believe running is especially important if I expect to meet my goal of Desert Gump. I may not be in Forrest Gump running shape but the stakes are higher for me than Forrest. You see, if his life was like a box of chocolates, mine is more like a box of IEDs, mortars and boredom. 

It's time to get running!

Smog of War

This post is probably my best example so far of a "First World Problem in Afghanistan."

For my Oregon friends and family - how often have you heard the Recycle, Reduce, Reuse campaign?
Personally, I'm a big fan of the idea of recycling material, reducing waste and reusing when possible rather than throwing it into a land fill. What works and what doesn't is probably an argument best left to smarter people with cooler blogs.

Right now, I'd rather share my observations from a land as far from Oregon on this topic as I think one could get.

With any conflict involving the military there is bound to be some residual waste or contamination. It's not something I believe anyone sets out to achieve nor is there some incentive program -
"First unit to devastate a region or wreak havoc on Ferngully gets the Skull and Crossbones citation."
Environmental impact is just an unfortunate effect of driving thousands of diesel vehicles into combat. The military actually has programs designed to help mitigate it... but waste exists nonetheless.

Sometimes this program gets in a bit of trouble. Anyone remember the Quran burning incident a while back? Yeah, that was here at Bagram... sorry no postcards for this historic event. I'd like to say things are better, but now we have stupid films and un-Christian pastors putting out messages of hate that unfortunately incite quite a bit of rage. I will say, much of it was probably already there but either way - go team!

Why am I going into all this you may ask? To show the Good, the Bad and mostly the Useless of our recycle, reduce, reuse program here in progressive Afghanistan.

For some background and history, Kabul - just South of where I am stationed - is one of the most polluted areas of the world. Why? Because they still use fire to heat their homes, drive vehicles without EPA fuel emission standards and burn everything trash or waste related. Paper - burn it; tires - burn it; soda cans - burn it; human fecal matter - burn it; etc. That last one really helps me "breath easy." I believe we were told 20% of what we're breathing here is fecal matter. So when someone says it smells like crap, they aren't lying... it smells exactly like crap 20% of the time.

For an idea of what the air is like over here read this article. Or this article from NPR. And here's a fun article on the possibility of nearly 3,000 Afghans dying each year from air pollution. Then there is the effect may be having on U.S. Troops -

Leaked Memo: Afghan ‘Burn Pit’ Could Wreck Troops’ Hearts, Lungs

What better place to look at waste than the dining facility? We all know eating can create a lot of waste. Whether it's leftover food or the plastic or aluminum containers the food came in, there is plenty that gets tossed. But in Oregon, we have recycle bins to help us cope with chucking stuff away. Here in Afghanistan we throw everything away including water bottles and paper. But at the dining facility there are recycle signs everywhere and extra bins to place your water bottles when you are finished. The humorous part to this is the signs are all over the exit - over all the garbage cans that look the same so no one knows which mess to add their mess to.

Then there's the matter of our plasticware. It comes with all three in one bag that you automatically grab with your plate before even knowing what you'll be eating. Who needs a knife for their cereal? If you do, perhaps you should check the expiration date on your box of Apple Jacks. One of our Soldiers pointed out that by putting it all in one bag, inevitably everyone throws something away at some point. Take breakfast - if you only need a spoon then every day you throw a fork and a knife away at breakfast. It adds up quick too. This is a photo of the plasticware I collected during just one month. It's what I would have thrown away due to not needing it. We use a lot of them as stir sticks for coffee.

The main thing I find interesting is I don't believe there is actually a place to recycle plastic or paper here.

So this leaves me with two options:

1. They just burn it in a different incinerator 
2. We are actually paying to ship our garbage out to recycle it.  

Ultimately I wouldn't be surprised if the recycle signs are just to placate us into thinking something is being done to cut down on waste. As my dad joked when I talked to him about this, perhaps the incinerator for recyclable items is blue while the regular trash incinerator is red.
Hopefully they at least have plenty of signs that say "No Qurans."
I do understand that where the U.S. is today is much different than where Afghanistan is or will be once we leave. I just find it crazy to think about how much material we torch each day, let alone how much there must have been in the last decade. I want to say our in-processing brief said Bagram sees 300 tons of trash a year. Yikes!


Perhaps part of the problem is similar to what I see on the way out of the dining facility - improperly marked receptacles. Or properly marked receptacles, but lazy people doing lazy things. Just because there are plenty of options to do the right thing, doesn't mean it will work.


Check this wonderful dumpster out. "Recycling Only" huh... Let's take a closer look inside and see just how well this recycle sign is working. The only thing missing in this picture are Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie trying to escape before some creepy Afghan worm grabs Luke and chokes his non-recycling butt out.

And the ironic icing of all of this is the electric cars sprinkled throughout the base humming quietly along with their environmentally snobby noses sticking defiantly up to the fecal filled sky. But wait, where or where does most of the electricity come from to power these modern marvels? Gas powered generators folks.

Welcome to the bottomless pit of irony I like to refer as the Clean-Green Mirage of the Afghan desert.

Hot Water Burn the Baby

I know I've described the living area over here already, but there's one piece I've left out - the bathroom situation.

When I arrived, I was not expecting heart-shaped tubs by any means... but I also wasn't expecting some of the interesting "thrones" and showers I discovered here at Bagram.
First of all, the showers and toilets are not co-located. They are in separate truck/trailer containers stacked on top of each other. You can tell how luxurious it's going to be long before flippy flopping into the double-high (rather than double wide) trailer contraption we do our most private of private business in.


Allow me to take you on a 4-star tour of our showers.
First, you must understand that above all things, the military must be efficient and thoughtless in its construction of living/hygiene areas - save maybe the Air Force whose accommodations are more similar to college dormitories than actual barracks.

The upper deck shower facilities is "blessed" with wooden plank floors - that I'm sure repel all fungi, bacteria and other delightful moist treats. It houses six showers, 12 cubbies and four sinks. My guess on why those numbers range so much is that the architect is also responsible for the mismatched hot dog to bun ratio we've all pondered at some point.

The showers themselves aren't too bad. Most of them have weaker water pressure than I prefer... but otherwise not too bad considering where I am. The temperature varies depending on the time of day and how many people have gone through to drain the hot water. It's still in the upper 90s so even if the hot water is gone, it isn't the end of the world... just a quicker shower. Ask me again about this in December though. I personally have found the one shower that meets my pressure needs and will actually vary my patterns - i.e. shave before shower or after shower - to ensure I get the shower I want. There are few things I actually need to get going in the day. A hot / well-pressured shower is one of those.

Moving on from the showers, I bring you to our bathroom areas. Frankly, they get the job done but tell me - does this or does it not look like it's straight out of the Saw horror film series. Every time I go in I expect to see someone chained up to the pipes with a voice recorder, blade of some sort or a ridiculously painful looking torture helmet on. Luckily so far that has not happened.

Now what bathroom tour would be complete without a peek at the "throne?" I took a photo of this one because it's different. Take a look and see if you can tell what's wrong with this picture? I'll give you a hint, look where the items you would want to get rid of are sent on their way. Yep, the drain/water splashdown zone is at the front of the bowl. Now use your imaginations and knowledge of the human body and envision how waste is disposed of. Where. pray tell, do you suppose your undesirables land and how do you think this will play out? Soft serve anyone? Well, being that I've had the lovely experience of using these poorly constructed devices I will fill you in.

     Here are the steps for using the backward bowls:

1.  Inspect thoroughly for debris or leftovers from the previous user.
2.  Carefully lay a strip of toilet paper from the back of the bowl leading to the "pool" at the bottom. - This is your "runway."
3.  Do your business as quickly as possible to make the experience as brief as humanly possible.
4.  Flush at least 10 times to finally dispose of what amazingly looked worse in the cafeteria.
5. In the case of poop lasagna, run away.

I won't go into further details on this, but perhaps knowing what this is like will give new perspective on my post about being sick.

Now to be fair, there are other options. I like to use the charming outhouse to the right every so often to mix things up - *not for claustrophobics*. It also has one of the few trees on base next to it, which is a nice visual reminder of my beautiful tree-laden home in the Emerald Valley. The downside is there are several heavy smokers who enjoy puffing away while they utilize this closet-crapper. The contractors who drain these, generally hit them up around dinner time, which makes for an amazing aroma. We call it "Blue Angel" due to the blue chemicals used and the angelic cloud of doom that emerges. I will say that no matter what the situation, it is - in most ways - much better than having to bring a shovel and search for privacy.

To wrap this up, I have one final piece of insight on our little tour of these masterful double-decker shower/bathroom power houses. All of the signs inside say the water is non-potable. This means it isn't treated for consumption. It is advised to not brush your teeth in the sink using the water from the faucet. Who makes a bathroom that has running poisonous water? I'm not sure what can happen, but I'll let you know. Being the daredevil I am, I'm willing to live life on the edge and have been brushing my teeth with the bathroom water since we got here. No beaver fever yet, but then again I'm just getting started.

So there you have it. All the dirty details of our bathroom situation. There may not be towels with your initials embroidered, cylinders with blue liquid and a comb, or triple-ply Downy - but it has all the charm you'd expect from a contractor/military operation in the middle of a desert.