Jimmy Jokers

They just won't send me my requested items. So I'll just keep asking...

Email #3 - dated 23 January, 2013

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2013 2:47 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U//FOUO) Jimmy Joker Plus'ta cift kisilik serpme kahvalti 26 TL / 'Hayyam' oyununa giris 12,5 TL

UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY

Dearest Grupanya,

You have truly peaked my interest with your latest offer of Jimmy Jokers. I've inquired before for other items in your inventory with no response. Please add 83 Jimmy Jokers to my previous orders so I may Joke my Jimmy. I am now willing to part with 407 recycled 3-D glasses that I found in a dumpster outside a movie theater in Kearney Nebraska. I had 409 but I combined two of them to give myself 6-D vision. It's amazing how much fuller and richer life is in 6-D. This one time, I saw a rainbow three hours before it appeared. At that point I saw it twice and had a double rainbow. This became the life event of my existence. Before this I thought having children or curing cancer would be my life's greatest work, but I now know 6-D is what I was put on this earth to do.

When you ship the Jimmy Jokers, please remember my cardboard allergy and send them in plastic wrap. DO NOT however, use the plastic wrap that has all that static-electricity and sticks to everything. That is one of the most annoying things ever. It's almost as annoying as getting splash back out of a urinal off those enormous Certs mints they put in there to make it smell like minty pee rather than just pee.

So in conclusion, I would like to trade 407 recycled, near-mint condition 3-D glasses for 83 of your Jimmy Jokers wrapped in non-sticky/annoying plastic wrapping.

Thank you

Scram Spam part deux

I never heard back from Grupanya regarding my order. They did however, continue sending out sweet deals that were too good to pass up. 

So I wrote them again.

Email #2 - dated 15 November, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 2:21 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Cc: Rutherford, Eric A. SSG 115th MPAD Journalist; Bonebrake, Christopher C. SGT 115th MPAD Journalist; Wilcox, Kristopher M. CPT 115th MPAD MSC OIC; Miller, James A. MAJ 115th MPAD CDR
Subject: RE: (U) SONY Playstation 3 Slim 500 GB Ultra Slim 799 TL/Online Fotograf Baskisi 13 TL/Fakir Dikey Elektrik Supurgesi 102 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so very much for sending this great opportunity to buy electronic equipment.

I still haven't heard back regarding my previous email and order:

---
"Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!"
---

In addition to resolution to the previous order, I would like to make a new request. I would simply adore to have 68 of your Play Station 3 Slims! I'm working on building a basketball court and these will help me finish the floor. In addition to the previously promised Thesauruses, I recently came into possession of three sticks of double mint gum. I would be willing to part with one, which is like two since it is *double* mint, to pay for the requested Play Station 3 Slims. I would request to sweeten the deal though by sending some doll hair, but only if it's made from real hair since in addition to my cardboard allergy, I am also allergic to items that try to replicate the real thing. Take banana runts - not a real banana even though it tries really hard to be a Lego size real banana. When I come into contact with these type of items the only cure is to wear my pants backward and sing "Jump" by Criss Cross. Please do not make me go through this again.

I look forward to your delivery of my requested items!

Scram Spam!

After a leave of absence... here we go again.

We, much like many businesses, get a fair share of spam email. Most of it is soliciting our business with a contract company - a decision far above my pay grade.

There is also a company called Grupanya, which is Istanbul, Turkey's response to Amazon.com. After many emails, I decided to respond.

Email #1 - dated 14 October, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2012 6:51 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U) Dark Android Tablet PC 179 TL/Osmanli Turk Kahvesi Seti 29.9 TL/Braun epilasyon cihazi 105 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!

Taste of home

Many people keep reaching out and asking what they can send me over here. Honestly, there are few things I need and hate the idea of people spending money on me, but I also know from personal experience that it's also nice sending stuff when I'm not the one deployed. There are also things that, while I don't *need* them, make being away from home more bearable.

So to consolidate a list and provide an address I thought I'd put it all right here for all to see.

First the address:
Kevin Hartman
CJTF-1 PAO / 115 MPAD
TF Defender
APO AE 09354

Best way to send and save is through flat rate boxes from the US Postal Service.


Now the goodies:

#1 - COFFEE!!! (can you tell I had some today?)
This can be tricky. Beggars can't be choosers but we do come from the Northwest and appreciate good coffee. Again, I don't want to dig into charitable pockets, but I thought I'd specify some types of coffee we like.

First there's Stumptown: Hair Bender - the champion of delicious coffee.

Then there's Peet's Coffee, especially the Major Dickason's Blend.

We also enjoy Seattle Mountain Coffee - found at your corner Costco.

And for a limited holiday season, Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice coffee is a hot commodity around here.

#2 - Half & Half for my COFFEE!!!
I like to cut my coffee, but the only creamer they have here is flavored, and being that I love the taste of coffee I like non-flavoured creamer.

Here is what people have been sending that I like. There are many brands, but the Land-O-Lakes Mini Moo's have been the staple so far.












#3 - Rice - The San Francisco errr Afghanistan Treat
We make a lot of asian style dishes - to include Sushi Combat Rolls - to improve the food we have here.

Yes... that's right, I said Sushi Combat Rolls.

We have a rice cooker and just need more rice - specifically jasmine rice.













#4 - Sassy Sauces
Again, we love asian dishes and these sauces help make the dish.

Sweet chilli sauce is pretty much the awesomest thing on earth. We love this Mae Ploy type, but again, if there's a different one we won't complain.

Peanut sauce would also be fantastic. I don't really have a specific type but still looked up a link to one nonetheless.







#5 - Coconut Milk
This helps with our curry meals and again, just helps the food over here become more palatable.

It really doesn't matter what brand or type, we just want more of this glorious treat!













#6 - Healthy treats
We have entirely too much candy and sweets over here. I realize they last longer and are cheaper and easier to buy, but my dentist is not going to appreciate it.

Any snacks such as nuts, jerky, or crackers would be fantabulous (you read that correctly - fantabulous).









That's about it.
I'll possibly update this post if anything comes up or if we're getting too much of one thing or another.

Thank you VERY much in advance if you choose to send something our way.

Flashback to flims of my childhood...

We watch a lot of bad movies over here. One of my coworkers commented on our selection of films and said it read like the playlist on TBS. It's all the bad sequels and not the original good versions. That said, what better time to waste on movies I'd never watch otherwise than while I'm stranded in a desert watching the sand and rocks grow? What better first world problem could I have over here?

The other day, I was able to watch a cheesy but great flick from my childhood - The Last Starfighter.

It dawned on me while watching this... they just don't make them like they used to. Sure, the special effects are leaps and bounds advanced, but that innocent yet clever plot is gone.

I sometimes wonder if it's that we're out-thinking movies because many of us understand our universe more so there lacks that mystery. Another problem I believe is with all the flashy cool special effects producers and directors are taking short cuts - ehem... George Lucus & James Cameron.

Just compare the original Star Wars: A New Hope to any of the latest ones. They replaced emotion and creativity with Jar Jar Binks and midichlorians. Now we're being assaulted with mostly terrible movies that try to sell themselves on the latest reinvented technology - 3D. No matter how many Ds you throw at unobtainium... it's still obtainably dumb.

Ranting aside, my latest viewing of  The Last Starfighter gave me a renewed taste for the Sci-Fi of my youth. For kicks, I looked a bunch of them up and thought I'd share. Now, I didn't pick the obvious ones like E.T.

What's your favorite Sci-Fi flick from your childhood and which of these can you remember?

Hanging my chad

Well, it's official. I have cast my vote for our next president along with the many random political offices and amendments we had to search through this year. From private casinos and legal weed to deciding the county vs. city fate of random plots of land, it was a daunting task just to read through all the material and research topics online since I don't always believe the little pamphlets are informative enough to know all the ins and outs of an issue.

I'm not going to use this blog to voice my stance or debate politics, but I did want to highlight how easy it was to vote as a Soldier deployed halfway across the globe. I logged onto a website, filled out some data and whamo - my ballot arrived in just over a week. It was so easy I have to say I am disheartened to know anyone didn't take part. But I also realize that while the process was easy, the decision of who should take/maintain the helm is not always easy.

What is really amazing to think about is the decision I just took part in and where I am. Afghanistan may be the "forgotten war," but I know whoever is our president this next four years will need to focus on how we can successfully transition out. I know there are a *very* different views on America's involvement here, but just like Iraq, we're here now so let's not make rash decisions and leave this country worse than we found it. It's also fascinating to think about our election process and how heated we get, when voting is such a privilege many of us forget or take for granted. When I see countries like Afghanistan and the inconsistency of voting rights as well as some of the fear tactics of the Taliban to discourage free elections, I am truly humbled.

I may not agree with our political two-party system nor feel truly represented, but I will always do my part to ensure my voice is heard.
After all, if I am willing to defend the constitution and our country, I should exercise my voting right... right?
So whether you're a trunk or an ass... may the best man win.

Push-Sit-Run

When you're deployed, you need just about anything to keep you focused and tracking toward heading home. It's usually best if it's something non-work related so you can track your progress without it being directly tied to what could be a mundane cyclical job.

Me running the Hood to Coast from Iraq - 2007

For me, there are three things that get me through this deployment. I call them the 3 "Fs" - Faith, Family, & Fitness. While that probably deserves it's own post - another time - I thought I'd share some of my goals and accomplishments for the Fitness section (hence the title).

My overall goal this year is to max out my physical fitness test for the Army. The Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT) consists of three events; pushups, sit-ups and a 2-mile run. All events are timed and scores are based off a person's age group.

For an idea of what I have to do here are some charts and descriptions brought to you by Kevipedia (and google...).

For a shorter blog, I'll just hit the running section.

At 21 and upon my graduation from my initial Army training, I was running 2 miles in 12 minutes and 45 seconds. This time may be a stretch for me at this juncture in life... but I do hope to meet a goal I had last deployment - 5 in 35. That's 5 miles in 35 minutes. This may be a lofty goal considering I'm at 5,000 feet elevation, breath poopy air and wear super sexy Army shorts.

When I got here, I could barely run 1/2 a mile at an 8 minute pace. I just couldn't get the air in the old wind bags. As of today, I ran 4 miles in 30:20. With a mid-tour goal of 5 miles in 40 minutes, I think I'm on track.

This may seem like a boring post after a lull, but I believe running is especially important if I expect to meet my goal of Desert Gump. I may not be in Forrest Gump running shape but the stakes are higher for me than Forrest. You see, if his life was like a box of chocolates, mine is more like a box of IEDs, mortars and boredom. 

It's time to get running!