"Inside" Joke

My last email response... for now. 

Then it will be back you your regularly scheduled programming.

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2013 3:52 PM
To: 'Bungit'
Subject: RE: (U) Bungit January Newsletter 2013

UNCLASSIFIED

I am very intrigued by your classified ads but confused why you would send classified information over a non-secure network. Please send all future classified ads to my classified email address. I'd send it to you but it's classified and secret.

As for your offer, I see that you will sell anything other than property. Where do you stand on internal organs such as a kidney? Is this considered physical property of the body, or would you categorize it as organic material? I only ask because I think I found a kidney inside my roommate and upon further removal and investigation discovered it to be his heart so I probably should have been more forthright and asked whether I could sell a heart. Either way, he won't be needing it anymore and I'm pretty sure it is worth a fair amount if sold quickly. Each day that goes by it seems less healthy and more smelly. I probably should have put it on ice, but they seem to have lost that recipe over here.

What form of payment can I expect from transactions on Bungit? My preference would be Kenyan Shillings in brief cases delivered one at a time by a man in a black trench coat who uses the code name Nancy Pelosi. I would like to meet this individual at the Wolf River State Fishery Area on the 14th of July and every 9 days thereafter.

Thank you

-----Original Message-----
From: Bungit [mailto:info@bungit.eu]
Sent: Sunday, January 27, 2013 2:53 PM
To: Bagram Media Center
Subject: Bungit January Newsletter 2013

Bungit Classifieds where everything is free.

DEAR BagramMediaCenter,


You are receiving this newsletter to tell you that there is a new Classified Ads web site online. On Bungit, you can sell anything but property. Classified Ads, Business ads and Holiday rentals are all FREE. Yes that's right you can advertise your business for absolutely nothing. There is also a Holiday Rentals section which is also free to post your ad.

Bungit covers 4 major European Countries so you can expand your unwanted items to an even bigger potential audience. So why wait? Get on Bungit now and start advertising for FREE.

The best free property search portal on the web. Our research has shown us that most people looking for a property in France use the Internet to find their dream home. Whether you are looking for a retirement home, development property or second home for holidays or rental, you will find the best selection here. Advertising your property on our site is absolutely free until the end of May 2013 After this time Subscription will be required. With responsive design you can view the French Property Web on any device be it Tablet PC or smart phone. With prices cheaper than they have ever been now is the time to buy that property in France.

Advertise Your business here in our newsletter and reach thousands of potential new customers via email.

Tell customers in France or Spain about you unwanted items in this newsletter.

Have a Nice Holiday

Jimmy Jokers

They just won't send me my requested items. So I'll just keep asking...

Email #3 - dated 23 January, 2013

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Wednesday, January 23, 2013 2:47 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U//FOUO) Jimmy Joker Plus'ta cift kisilik serpme kahvalti 26 TL / 'Hayyam' oyununa giris 12,5 TL

UNCLASSIFIED//FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY

Dearest Grupanya,

You have truly peaked my interest with your latest offer of Jimmy Jokers. I've inquired before for other items in your inventory with no response. Please add 83 Jimmy Jokers to my previous orders so I may Joke my Jimmy. I am now willing to part with 407 recycled 3-D glasses that I found in a dumpster outside a movie theater in Kearney Nebraska. I had 409 but I combined two of them to give myself 6-D vision. It's amazing how much fuller and richer life is in 6-D. This one time, I saw a rainbow three hours before it appeared. At that point I saw it twice and had a double rainbow. This became the life event of my existence. Before this I thought having children or curing cancer would be my life's greatest work, but I now know 6-D is what I was put on this earth to do.

When you ship the Jimmy Jokers, please remember my cardboard allergy and send them in plastic wrap. DO NOT however, use the plastic wrap that has all that static-electricity and sticks to everything. That is one of the most annoying things ever. It's almost as annoying as getting splash back out of a urinal off those enormous Certs mints they put in there to make it smell like minty pee rather than just pee.

So in conclusion, I would like to trade 407 recycled, near-mint condition 3-D glasses for 83 of your Jimmy Jokers wrapped in non-sticky/annoying plastic wrapping.

Thank you

Scram Spam part deux

I never heard back from Grupanya regarding my order. They did however, continue sending out sweet deals that were too good to pass up. 

So I wrote them again.

Email #2 - dated 15 November, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2012 2:21 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Cc: Rutherford, Eric A. SSG 115th MPAD Journalist; Bonebrake, Christopher C. SGT 115th MPAD Journalist; Wilcox, Kristopher M. CPT 115th MPAD MSC OIC; Miller, James A. MAJ 115th MPAD CDR
Subject: RE: (U) SONY Playstation 3 Slim 500 GB Ultra Slim 799 TL/Online Fotograf Baskisi 13 TL/Fakir Dikey Elektrik Supurgesi 102 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so very much for sending this great opportunity to buy electronic equipment.

I still haven't heard back regarding my previous email and order:

---
"Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!"
---

In addition to resolution to the previous order, I would like to make a new request. I would simply adore to have 68 of your Play Station 3 Slims! I'm working on building a basketball court and these will help me finish the floor. In addition to the previously promised Thesauruses, I recently came into possession of three sticks of double mint gum. I would be willing to part with one, which is like two since it is *double* mint, to pay for the requested Play Station 3 Slims. I would request to sweeten the deal though by sending some doll hair, but only if it's made from real hair since in addition to my cardboard allergy, I am also allergic to items that try to replicate the real thing. Take banana runts - not a real banana even though it tries really hard to be a Lego size real banana. When I come into contact with these type of items the only cure is to wear my pants backward and sing "Jump" by Criss Cross. Please do not make me go through this again.

I look forward to your delivery of my requested items!

Scram Spam!

After a leave of absence... here we go again.

We, much like many businesses, get a fair share of spam email. Most of it is soliciting our business with a contract company - a decision far above my pay grade.

There is also a company called Grupanya, which is Istanbul, Turkey's response to Amazon.com. After many emails, I decided to respond.

Email #1 - dated 14 October, 2012

-----Original Message-----
From: Hartman, Kevin C. SFC 115th MPAD MSC NCOIC
Sent: Sunday, October 14, 2012 6:51 PM
To: 'Grupanya'
Subject: RE: (U) Dark Android Tablet PC 179 TL/Osmanli Turk Kahvesi Seti 29.9 TL/Braun epilasyon cihazi 105 TL

UNCLASSIFIED

Thank you so much for your email. I was hoping to purchase 43 Android phones as soon as possible. Also, do you ship Cocoa Puffs but with Spanish lettering? This would make my day. I was hoping to pay for these items with 1986 Thesauruses that I found in a storage unit. I think they're worth $2.83 each so please let me know how many I need to ship to you to complete this purchase. For the Cocoa Puffs, I would like 450 boxes so I know I have enough for the rest of my life in case they discontinue this flavor of cereal. Also, can you send flat rate boxes to me so I can ship the Thesauruses to you? I'm allergic to cardboard and will need someone else to fill them, which brings me to another request. When you send the Cocoa Puffs, please have your shipping company remove the bags of cereal and send them in a plastic container so I don't have to expose myself to the cardboard every morning. That would be disastrous as my allergy makes me break out in hives and read Twilight books. Last time I touched cardboard I found myself curled up reading Half Moon with Calamine lotion smeared all over every part of my body.

Thank you for your support!