Many of my friends and family know that following my last tour I came home with frustration and anger, which was too often miss-directed. So far I'm doing great - much of which I attribute to the many unknowns and knowns who are praying for me. I'm also working and praying toward giving up all the things I don't have control over and not stressing more than necessary the things I do have control over. Someone once said holding anger or spite toward someone is like holding a grenade against your chest - eventually it's going to go off and most likely it will have collateral damage on people within proximity who may or may not have had anything to do with your anger to begin with.
All that said, I also see a lot of similarities between Veterans who return home to a sometimes thankless nation or community and have animosity toward those around them they feel aren't supporting them nor doing "their part" for the country. I've also experienced and heard a lot of the same complaints about people back home being too focused and obsessed with issues that seem insignificant after one has been to a combat zone where people die. All of this is actually part of what inspired the title of this blog. My complaints here on Bagram truly pale in comparison to the living conditions and life and death issues experienced by the Afghans living just outside the wire. A perfect example is when our translator didn't come in today I immediately wondered if something had happened to him on his way to work. How many of us wonder if a missing coworker has been killed rather than if they are just having a sick day or are playing hooky?
Anyway... one of my goals this deployment is to read books. I am anything but a reader normally so it's actually more of a challenge than a goal. My book right now is Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. It's the book that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It's masterfully written and has some passages that are very relatable while I'm deployed. I'm about to finish it and saw this passage that made me think of Veterans everywhere who have returned from their own heart of darkness.
*By the way - if you haven't read this novel I HIGHLY recommend it.
All that said, I also see a lot of similarities between Veterans who return home to a sometimes thankless nation or community and have animosity toward those around them they feel aren't supporting them nor doing "their part" for the country. I've also experienced and heard a lot of the same complaints about people back home being too focused and obsessed with issues that seem insignificant after one has been to a combat zone where people die. All of this is actually part of what inspired the title of this blog. My complaints here on Bagram truly pale in comparison to the living conditions and life and death issues experienced by the Afghans living just outside the wire. A perfect example is when our translator didn't come in today I immediately wondered if something had happened to him on his way to work. How many of us wonder if a missing coworker has been killed rather than if they are just having a sick day or are playing hooky?
Anyway... one of my goals this deployment is to read books. I am anything but a reader normally so it's actually more of a challenge than a goal. My book right now is Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad. It's the book that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It's masterfully written and has some passages that are very relatable while I'm deployed. I'm about to finish it and saw this passage that made me think of Veterans everywhere who have returned from their own heart of darkness.
"I found myself back in the sepulchral city resenting the sight of people hurrying through the streets to filch a little money from each other, to devour their infamous cookery, to gulp their unwholesome beer, to dream their insignificant and silly dreams. They trespassed upon my thoughts. They were intruders whose knowledge of life was to me an irritating pretense, because I felt so sure they could not possible know the things I knew.
"Their bearing, which was simply the bearing of commonplace individuals doing about their business in the assurance of perfect safety, was offensive to me like the outrageous flauntings of folly in the face of a danger it is unable to comprehend."I don't write this to offend those who've not served or deployed, but rather to give insight into the bitterness, anger and frustration that all-too-often plagues our Veterans as they redeploy home. I've heard myself say things that would've offended me prior to deploying. My only advice for Veterans and their friends and family is this - have grace, patience and love knowing we all need time to adjust and accept that we all have different experiences. After all, the deployed Veteran isn't the only one that served that year. Lord knows Andrea is serving her own deployment as a single parent and will deserve just as much adjustment, grace, patience and love when I return.
*By the way - if you haven't read this novel I HIGHLY recommend it.
Well done Sgt. I've felt the anger after living with little and seeing Iraqis live with even less. It took some time and talking to understand my emotions- in the end I grew to appreciate and accept my experiences.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great read - your blog AND Conrad's Heart of Darkness. I read Heart of Darkness back in 1986 at UO in my 20th century literature course. It just so happens that book is one of the many things which you helped save from drowning in my basement during last Winter's flood. I think I'll pick it up and read through it again - thank you for being a good neighbor.
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