Hot Water Burn the Baby

I know I've described the living area over here already, but there's one piece I've left out - the bathroom situation.

When I arrived, I was not expecting heart-shaped tubs by any means... but I also wasn't expecting some of the interesting "thrones" and showers I discovered here at Bagram.
First of all, the showers and toilets are not co-located. They are in separate truck/trailer containers stacked on top of each other. You can tell how luxurious it's going to be long before flippy flopping into the double-high (rather than double wide) trailer contraption we do our most private of private business in.


Allow me to take you on a 4-star tour of our showers.
First, you must understand that above all things, the military must be efficient and thoughtless in its construction of living/hygiene areas - save maybe the Air Force whose accommodations are more similar to college dormitories than actual barracks.

The upper deck shower facilities is "blessed" with wooden plank floors - that I'm sure repel all fungi, bacteria and other delightful moist treats. It houses six showers, 12 cubbies and four sinks. My guess on why those numbers range so much is that the architect is also responsible for the mismatched hot dog to bun ratio we've all pondered at some point.

The showers themselves aren't too bad. Most of them have weaker water pressure than I prefer... but otherwise not too bad considering where I am. The temperature varies depending on the time of day and how many people have gone through to drain the hot water. It's still in the upper 90s so even if the hot water is gone, it isn't the end of the world... just a quicker shower. Ask me again about this in December though. I personally have found the one shower that meets my pressure needs and will actually vary my patterns - i.e. shave before shower or after shower - to ensure I get the shower I want. There are few things I actually need to get going in the day. A hot / well-pressured shower is one of those.

Moving on from the showers, I bring you to our bathroom areas. Frankly, they get the job done but tell me - does this or does it not look like it's straight out of the Saw horror film series. Every time I go in I expect to see someone chained up to the pipes with a voice recorder, blade of some sort or a ridiculously painful looking torture helmet on. Luckily so far that has not happened.

Now what bathroom tour would be complete without a peek at the "throne?" I took a photo of this one because it's different. Take a look and see if you can tell what's wrong with this picture? I'll give you a hint, look where the items you would want to get rid of are sent on their way. Yep, the drain/water splashdown zone is at the front of the bowl. Now use your imaginations and knowledge of the human body and envision how waste is disposed of. Where. pray tell, do you suppose your undesirables land and how do you think this will play out? Soft serve anyone? Well, being that I've had the lovely experience of using these poorly constructed devices I will fill you in.

     Here are the steps for using the backward bowls:

1.  Inspect thoroughly for debris or leftovers from the previous user.
2.  Carefully lay a strip of toilet paper from the back of the bowl leading to the "pool" at the bottom. - This is your "runway."
3.  Do your business as quickly as possible to make the experience as brief as humanly possible.
4.  Flush at least 10 times to finally dispose of what amazingly looked worse in the cafeteria.
5. In the case of poop lasagna, run away.

I won't go into further details on this, but perhaps knowing what this is like will give new perspective on my post about being sick.

Now to be fair, there are other options. I like to use the charming outhouse to the right every so often to mix things up - *not for claustrophobics*. It also has one of the few trees on base next to it, which is a nice visual reminder of my beautiful tree-laden home in the Emerald Valley. The downside is there are several heavy smokers who enjoy puffing away while they utilize this closet-crapper. The contractors who drain these, generally hit them up around dinner time, which makes for an amazing aroma. We call it "Blue Angel" due to the blue chemicals used and the angelic cloud of doom that emerges. I will say that no matter what the situation, it is - in most ways - much better than having to bring a shovel and search for privacy.

To wrap this up, I have one final piece of insight on our little tour of these masterful double-decker shower/bathroom power houses. All of the signs inside say the water is non-potable. This means it isn't treated for consumption. It is advised to not brush your teeth in the sink using the water from the faucet. Who makes a bathroom that has running poisonous water? I'm not sure what can happen, but I'll let you know. Being the daredevil I am, I'm willing to live life on the edge and have been brushing my teeth with the bathroom water since we got here. No beaver fever yet, but then again I'm just getting started.

So there you have it. All the dirty details of our bathroom situation. There may not be towels with your initials embroidered, cylinders with blue liquid and a comb, or triple-ply Downy - but it has all the charm you'd expect from a contractor/military operation in the middle of a desert.